I donâ€™t even know how to feel really.
All my life I have dreamed of Ireland. I canâ€™t pinpoint exactly how or why it started. My fathers lineage is Scottish so thatâ€™s not it. My mother is German and English. Theres just something about it that has always drawn me to Ireland. Most likely the music? Maybe the folklore? The green? The coastline? The sheep? Who knowsâ€¦. it’s just a fact. I usually have HUGE expectations of my life and my experiences, but this placeâ€¦ I am 100% content just to be there. I honestly donâ€™t care if we do nothing other than sit on a bench and soak it in. I just need to know I’m present.
I have this inability to feel things until they are undeniably upon me. I knew I was coming here for a couple of months. Yesterday I knew that I would be landing in Dublin today and I just would not allow myself to feel it. I think 32 years of anticipating and dreaming and wishing for this moment just was to much to bear the night before. One tell tale sign though is that I couldnâ€™t sleep. I just tossed and turned all night in our hostel in Bergen.
Today we had a layover in London and walked around the city, seeing yet another place that only existed in my mind for me so so so many years. While I was super stoked and loved literally every moment (except that moment when I really needed coffee and food). Still, heading back to the airport though knowing that this train was taking me to the airport that would take me to the plane that would take me to Irelandâ€¦ it was too much in a good way.
I think the moment it hit me manifested in an odd way when I nearly lost it with fear in the plane. Its been a while since Ive had a full blown panic attack with flying and its also been a lot of hours since I had my anti-anxiety pill this morning before we flew to London. Whatever it was, I started crying, my heart started racing, i couldnâ€™t catch my breathâ€¦ and the last thing I wanted in the world was for anyone to notice. You know. I grabbed Dan’s knee, got out the only world I could muster, â€śWhisky,â€ť and he took care of the rest.
As I fly over the Irish Sea, Im wondering if all those emotions, tiredness, and overwhelm of the significance of the moment that is to come in less than an hour: meâ€¦. in Ireland. Im so so thankful for the fact that it’s about to happen, after such a long time dreaming of it. I do my best to see and be in this charmed life I am living, appreciating everything I can possibly acknowledge. I know this is a blessing and I am truly overwhelmingly grateful for it.
Im going to choose to be as boldly myselfâ€¦ in this moment. Embracing the overwhelmâ€¦ the happyâ€¦ the unsure feeling that comes when that long far away thoughts and ideas of Ireland finally will be gone. For some reason I was never willing to give myself this gift. Finally though, finally I did. This is that moment, caught in time, up in the air, between a little girls dreams and a woman living them out. Its a lot to feel eh?
Funny how a little flight to an island can do that. Now to gaze out the window and watch those dreams become real life moments that I can touch, feel, taste, and breathe in.